I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
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“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded