my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.