My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
how to market bottled water to dads
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad