Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.