No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.