therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Legend 🤣🤣
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want