Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”