Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?