Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Bloody internet 😳
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
don’t be scared
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m sure it’s fine.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.