My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Thinking about Jeff
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
who wants to go expliring