Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
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My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Print is alive and well!!!
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Put the is in disheveled
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.