I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”