hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
You Might Also Like
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
*gets down on one knee*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.