chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night