If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Me too
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what