You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
You Might Also Like
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.