6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
🙂🐾
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.