I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
You Might Also Like
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
me linking you to my twitter
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will