Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
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Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
incredible
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more