I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
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Me, in DM rooms…
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
podcasts
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Wait for it