Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
What my back needs
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)