Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
TODAY
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.