A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
The news in a nutshell.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.