No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
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The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl