We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
12653.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My neck my back my allergy attack
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
This checks out
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.