This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.