My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Meow
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”