WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face