Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
is this how new cars are made??
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what