Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
You Might Also Like
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?