*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
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When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”