eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
pelicons
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee