I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My beach vacation Google searches
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
taking June’s advice to heart
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.