I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My brain is a bad influence on me
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?