[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites