unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
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*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.