Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Its a hippotatomus
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.