The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
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Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Flowers bee like
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
😩😩😩
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
synchronized noseblowing
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
every. time.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on