relationship goals
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[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.