How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
But is it really??
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”