Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.