throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
You Might Also Like
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
pizza
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey