Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger