It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, youโd never know.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My very high friend said โImagine if cats got really bigโ and I said โLike tigers?โ and he got very quiet.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, itโs all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[at sperm bank]
โDo you have anything on clearance?โ
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but Iโm not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
You definitely shouldnโt go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, youโre more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well Iโll be damned
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.