Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
You Might Also Like
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.