*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Okay
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]