Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The first matador
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?