Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
when nothing goes right… go left
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.