i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON