For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.